I'm Living In My Insecurities

well, i decided to put my randomly typed things not so randomly. :)

i've realised that my blog has ceased to contain any thoughts whatsoever for a while, and maybe it's about time i put in some thoughts, some genuine analysis &genuine feelings into some posts here instead. this is afterall, our awesome blog. &it's not allowed to be only filled with what i allow the world to see of me, it wouldn't really, well, be me would it?

just the image i portray for the world, the very image i'd incessantly forced upon myself, because while i was telling the world one thing, i was trying to convince myself that i am indeed so more than the person or people i was telling.

maybe i knew that all along, deep down, i knew something didnt click, it wasnt right, &maybe i knew what it was, it's simply admitting and acknowledging the very problem within myself scared me so much that i'd much rather store it away, never to be touched or pried into. but it eats into me.























I find myself taken aback sometimes to see how far I've come, how much i've changed & conformed to the society's unforgiving acceptance. It scares me to think that the very same girl who first stepped into Wesley Methodist is now more accepted compared to then. It wasnt that I had faked who i really was to the world, because if you really know me, you'll find that being someone I am not, to me, is harder than being ostracized by the very society whose acceptance everyone seems to crave.

it was because college had changed the very person i am. maybe not as much as my moral values or beliefs, but almost 180 degrees of my perception of people and friendship. i've learnt that being naive, even in the simplest way of translation, purity, will only be taken advantage of by the society. &cynicism is more relevant to life than the most basic of all necessities.

I've learnt that although you will never allow someone else to feel the same hurt you've gone through regardless of how easy it might be or how much you feel like allowing yourself a little bit of sadism, the very same person whom you've wanted to save from the pain, will do just the very same thing to you even within a short span of time. &maybe, sometimes, you can't help but feel, if the world is doing just that, why should you be the only one to force justice or fairness upon your actions?

this is a cruel world.

corny i know, but it's true in every aspect of its existence. the world is filled with cruelty, mostly created by man unto man themselves. people talk about injustice, about unfairness, about the very authority who uses their power unto someone else, but have you ever stopped to think, would you do the same thing?

it annoys me to think that invariably almost everyone will vehemently deny such allegations almost instantaneously without giving it much thought, but never having gone through the same situation, how are you supposed to fucking know that you are above the very same person who succumbed to what you of all people will not be able to withstand for even the slightest second? who are you to criticize and bring down that person when you are the very cause for his fall?

who are you?

it's hard to continually understand why people do things and what has cause them to do something that causes pain to someone else. it is harder to continually excuse their actions and peg them as "they're only human" or "everyone is doing it". Because in all honesty, people should take responsibility for their actions. It's like saying a mass murderer should be excused from what he has done because it wasn't his fault his life was hell and his parents or the environment around him while he was still a boy conditioned him to be the person he is today. &then letting him go to do as he pleases. i know, this is a much larger scale compared to petty high school drama like "she stole my boyfriend" or "he lied to me" or "she bitched about me", but if you really look into, there's no real difference at all.

to some extent, nihilism applies. looking it up, the word means

nihilism: A theory promoting the state of believing in nothing, or of having no allegiances and no purposes. The term is incorrectly used to characterize all persons not sharing some particular faith or particular set of absolute values.

to me, it feels like the norm of the society is wrong in every possible way or reasoning and refusing to believe or obeying what the world has decided but having no choice because this is what survival means. because when you think about it, our world was formed upon perceptions, beliefs and as plainly as i can possibly put it, thoughts.

I think, therefore I am.

&if everyone has their own thoughts, everyone has their own mind and mental capability to create and mould their own existence, then who is anyone to say that what i am doing right now is wrong if it is not to me? who is anyone to say that what he is doing is wrong when it is not to him? No one has the right to enforce a belief or practice unto someone else because, it is their belief, and their practice.

&i know that you'll prolly say that you've thought about it before or i'm only stating the obvious, but don't you see? if I am indeed stating the obvious, why is it so hard for us to practice what we already know? what we've already known since our very existence.

you wanna know why?
because it is easier.

Why can't people practice what they preach?
that line goes so much deeper than the depths beneath the ocean. It has so much more layers than what society would like to believe. Because life itself can never be something as blatantly obvious as that if the society refuses to allow it.

&because i know that despite everything i've just typed out, I, myself fall into the same category. the society which will only continue to live in its own denial and continue to destroy itself. Because neither am i above the very people i've just scorned &unless, although highly unlikely, i manage to practice what i preach, i'll only continue to live in disgust with myself.

I could've already said too much, &my understanding of this could only be as shallow as above..

ps, darrengoon prolly helped escalated all this thinking.
tsk.. he makes me think too much.
whether or not he agrees with my thoughts.

after all the raindrops ; rainbows and cupcakes

on a lighter lighter lighter note,
I am satisfied with the now. :]

the future still freaks me out