dont fall in the mud!

i think i am constantly having this inner tug of war with myself.

some parts of me want to forget everything and move forward with life like you said. just be happy and melt away within your embrace. look up into your eyes and smile. feel safe and warm and loved again. just be with you and breathe you in. inhale your smell. feel your touch. i want to lose myself in you. get tangled up in you. snuggle up beside you and ask for morning kissies. give you a warning glance when you want to eat some junk. share a kitkat with you. have a giggle with you. hold hands all the way home in the car. reassure you that i dont mind again again. smile to myself when i reply your text. wear your shirt to sleep. break the rules. i want to know you.

however,

other parts of me are filled with question marks. who was that person who had that conversation with me? i know it was supposed to be like any other conversation, the sky and the sea? but it wasnt. it really wasnt to me. it was as if you were a different person, not the sweet baby i knew and not the sweet baby you are being now. was that just a mistake or was it your true colours showing? how am i supposed to let go when these parts are working i over drive? is it all just make believe? 

how do i let go and let all the other parts of me win? how do i ensure the correct parts dont fall in the mud in this tug of war?