Desires.

Walking down memory lane was fun. It brings back everything that made you who you are today. Be it stupid, funny, happy or ugly at least i did something useful today.

put down the picture and maybe get some sleep tonight:)

Much Too Much

"There's something to be said about a glass half full, about knowing when to say when. I think it's more of a floating line, a barometer of need. Of desire. It's entirely up to the individual, and it depends what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless... all we want is more." - Meredith Grey

Stay on top

Sometimes, you didnt choose to be the other person. You hate the fact that you've tangled yourself to be that other person. You swore you never want to repeat the same mistakes again. But losing isnt what you want either. So whats next in line for you?

Word is...

Just something I randomly stumbled upon. Because i don't like the way people think its their goddamn right to be all self righteous without thinking right... but I like the author, the way she writes.


"Just as you rush out of the some doors everyday, we rush into other things. It’s thrilling to run on adrenaline, living on the edge. Be careful, you might just topple off. Life feels like a quick game of Cranium, and you desperately roll the dice in hope of a purple. Choice – isn’t that what everyone craves? You want to choose – but are you? You stumble over your own feet trying to pick – but who’s picking? Feels like a plate of sushi just travelling along the conveyer belt, waiting for Fate to take its pick. Will it be your turn?"


"Where do you find your mojo? Where, do you find that little piece of sky that’s yours? Where, do you find what’s worth fighting for?

When, all you can do is to eye your disastrously cluttered table, and marvel at your self-delusion? When a halfhearted scowl at the pet fish is all you can muster? When you’re hoping for brighter skies. When you’re fading into oblivion. When delirium sneaks into your thoughts. When all you want is to curl up on the sofa and sink into the cushions. When all you hear is silence.

Where do you find your mojo?"


"I don’t really know how, so tell me please. How do you stop being someone’s friend? Do you search out every single piece of evidence attesting to his existence and burn it, and hopefully you’ll forget about him? Do you pretend he’s invisible and pretend it’s a gust of wind when you walk by? Do I end it with a letter? Or do I just lapse into the you-are-non-existent phase of my life? Do I proclaim to the world that you don’t have a place in my heart anymore? Tell me please, how to, because I really don’t know how."

(ok la this part i just liked the sound of it. she's still your friend. just that things wouldn't stay the same as they were. its like that tainted glass. it will never turn back to the way it is. you're still friends. just different. distance?)

"On some days, you feel like hiding under the table and go missing for a day or so, let people panic, trying to find you, just so you know that you matter to them. But there’s a difference between thinking about it and doing it. I hid under the table for a good hour, but no one realized I was missing. I didn’t expect it to work anyway, but secretly a tiny part of me wanted someone to call me to ask if I’m okay. Perhaps that’s why I took my handphone with me to the Land Under the Table.

For a moment, I was afraid I’d topple over the edge"


"I think God ran out of things to do with my life, so He's recycling the stories. Maybe that's why everything is the same; everyday fades into a copy of a copy of a copy. There’s a drowsy familiarity, like going round in goldfish circles. But hold on. Something’s lurking within these waters, and a precarious balance just waiting to be tipped before disaster falls. Can’t place my finger on it, but it certainly feels like a goldfish swimming in a blender – all you’ve got to do is to press the button and I’ll be seeing you in goldfish heaven."


No one knows where she’s going

She’s sitting in the corner of the room, with knees drawn close to herself and arms wrapped around them in defense, like a caterpillar in metamorphosis. Frail, she looks like she could be whisked away by the wind or coaxed away by the bluster of the morning gale. She can’t remember anymore, eyes searching for an inkling of what went down.


It’s good luck if it’s the first word you say on the first day of the month. she’ll be saying it, just for good measure. December comes the month, she's got a feeling she’ll be needing it. she's starting off with lights in the wee hours of the morning and droopy eyes in lessons, and her spunk has gone down a few notches. It hasn’t been the best weeks back, and she's been feeling boring for days in a row now. It scares her a little, and she want her schnazz back.

No one knows where she’s going. But I know she’s going mad.


“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”


I've decided that every time you fall should be like the first time. No fear, no inhibitions, no catching yourself.
Just innocent trust and the untainted, unwavering belief that I will be caught.
Because some things aren't worth learning.
she deserves the best as much as anyone else does.


YOU (yes you!) treat her like a doormat, comes and go as you wishes. is there a point you're actually trying to proove? it's bad enough the dramas she's been through and quite frankly she's already the dramaqueen champion. why do you have to make this a little more harder, to make her already shredded heart a little more frail?

honestly, the times you cared for here were great. but haven't you thought that it's a beat too late? the song has ended. only then you tried adding the lyrics. this is more than just song and lyrics.

OF COURSE things has crumbled into a heap. playing with fire only got you so far.


have you noticed the days you left her feeling so invisible?
think again.
guess not?

Time that never tells

People keep asking what do i want. what. do. i. want?

Honestly, really, i dont. know. what. i. want.

I've been trying to figure it out. trying to learn. trying to forget. trying to let go. trying to recover myself from that deep deep hole that i've buried myself into months back. but it all keeps coming back to me.

"See, quite some time back, I learnt that our past is never gone, that our roots are never rid. No matter how hard you try to uproot yourselves, by doing so you only destroy your being.

Sometimes there are some things in the past that we just want to bury and have it sink to oblivion, in hopes that one day we can walk far enough to leave this memory behind.

But it always surfaces, and the past will never release it's hold on you, neither will our heritage.

Simply because it is a part of who we are, of how we come about, of our innate essence... And you can never run away from yourself for too long, it's only a matter of time before your shadow catches up "

Maybe i'm crazy, maybe i'm insanely crazy.

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

cherry,cherry,boom,boom

Boy, we've had a real good time,
And i wish you the best on your way,
eh eh
there's nothing else i can say.

I didnt mean to hurt you,
I never thought we would fall out of place.

I have something that i love long,long
my friends keepa telling me something's wrong

eh eh,
i wished you never looked at me that way.
eh eh,
there's nothing else i can say

Not that i dont care about you
Just that things got so complique,eh eh

with love from Perth's Rottnest Island=)

why so persistent? seriously...

"shit happens so trust no one people. no matter how long its been or how much youve gone through with that person. its never safe, so dont blink for too long."

im feeling better, i didnt write from something i experienced myself recently but something i witnessed.

if i reach out to you, will you let go again?

life isn't a dream. i miss my rose tinted glasses. can i got back to simpler times? can we all go play play-doh together and make nice?

exams suck. lets go get married and live happily ever after instead.

oh wait, currently i cant do that genuinely. im tired of biting my tongue and being strong. when will my tongue start bleeding from all this biting i wonder. maybe im transferring my frustration and aiming it at others, but really. i needed your shoulder, a shoulder. no worries, ive got two shoulders of my own.

its time to plaster on a smile again and control myself. hi accounting, have you missed me? you have? wish i could say the same.

can i eat another banana, go out on the balcony, stare at the people way down there moving about like ants and cry a little more?

poppable proof bubbles?

do you know how long it took for me to easily share with you my feelings and problems about you? how hard it was to open that door to you? the door to my problems and conflicts with you. it was really difficult to get comfortable with communicating these things with you. i used to run to another friend and deal with it without you. it was hard but it kept things between us clean on the surface. i thought that was best for us. but you insisted and somehow made me want to run to you first after every tiny thing. you were my number one go to person. although it made things messier on the surface, deep down we grew stronger and more connected. it made our conversations more meaningful as well. dont you see that after everything that happened i still went to you instead of other people? you didnt essentially break one of the most important things down yet. i still went to you though afraid of boring and irritating you. some part of me knew that you were still the best person to comfort me. as of right now, you finally tore down what you built up. it even withstood the storms a few months back but not this. i can easily revert back to not telling you things to do with you and let us be clean and shiny on the surface. i will just handle it on my own or with my friends. you just might not know me or whats going on in my head as well anymore. we can just appear happy. i will try not to burst our bubble.

November's chopin

I used to daydream about november
I used to fantasize so much about november..
I used to pretend its november
but look, november is finally here.

I used to look forward to seeing him in november.
But then again, things changed.

Will things be different back home?
Honestly, i'm scared about everything.
A million things running thru my mind now.

What if things aren't the same anymore?





i'm scared=x

The Almost. But just not quite yet.

It's that moment, right before the first kiss.

When your faces are so close that what comes next is virtually inevitable, unavoidable. When he looks into your eyes, his hand on your cheek. When you look into his and his breath lingers across your lips. And it seems as though time has come into a standstill. Every moment before and every moment after ceases to matter as you look into each other eyes... and the world shrinks into you and me.

That is the moment that you want to last. The moment before the kiss. The moment where you wait with butterflies in your stomach and a lump in your throat. The moment when your heart skips a little and it gets harder to breathe. The moment just before you reach out, and fall into forever. The moment of anticipation and promise and dreams-come-true.

Don't rush the moment. It'll pass soon enough. The attainment of something desired is made all the more gratifying by the tingle of anticipation.

=)

To my dearest<3

click www.stephenandmunwai.com

with all the love in the world

I dont want to be Her anymore.

I used to be that girl, but not anymore.

I'm not all that you think you know of.

I'm just not Her anymore.

stop acting like you care please.

you know how i hate telling you things. and i told you anyway. three nights in a row.

despite all that, you still do it. you continue to disappoint me.

dont be surprised if i get tired of waiting. i dont care if im being over dramatic.

the last thread is never a thick one.

the sun won't stop shining tomorrow morning.

imissyou,buticantfindthewordstosaytoyounomatterhowmuchiwantto,

you'vegotmoreofmethanyouknow,boy
andiwannaknow, really, howtoletgoandforget?

dated back of song and dance

Definitions

i guess its normal?
like you wouldn't wanna NEVER see him again
its just when he is so hidden from yr life, suddenly he came out of that barrier
you just went WHOAAAAA
then again, this chapter of the story has closed
so don't look back, GET a new direction

I want to be more than your phone call at 8am

Seems like everytime you come back to me

It's just to steal my heart and run off.

"From what I know,
you're not who i think you used to be."
I just didn't say that it was because of the event.
But in the event that you ever read this,
Good friends are hard to come by.

Please know that you were/are one of them.

You''ll be pathetic if you stay on

is water tasteless?

I’m scared you know.

but there’s just something so strong.and i feel so sure.

and i feel so stupid,feeling so sure.

mother said i use the word "and" too much

To go with the flow, to go against the flow?

soo confused. i dont know what to do. i've got no clue. whatsoever. But well, at least im not the fool. Im no one's fool.

'Once a match is struck, it flares up. You blow it out as quick as you can, but the dark soot remains there, smearing your fingertips a nasty black, a reminder of all that you have done'

so.fuck off loser.

I pity the fool ( who has absolutely no clue)

.

.

.

.

thankyou for making that phone call. it woke me up from my darkest dream.

games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out

i'm no one's fool<3

selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin to all!

sometimes life just get you down.

its time to bite my bottom lip and put on that mask. its time to push things under the carpet and hopefully the lumps wont be obvious.

i am off your case.

could things turn out the way i hoped it would just once? could i not hope for anything just once? could i be blissfully ignorant just once?

as time goes by, i am slowly learning to dread something instead of look forward to it.

Life is complicated, and it still is

sometimes, i don't know how to explain these things to people, but those who knows my stories well will know what I'm talking about eventually
So here people, i want to bid my goodbye to miss Carmen Lim before she leaves for India tomorrow!
I LOVE YOU, SHORT STUFF:)!

A Fire To Keep Me Warm

Is it wrong for me to so upset about so many things? because all my life, i've always thought that I could trust my own understanding of friendship, love and life. but whenever it came to you, there seemed to be no definite answer to anything anymore. When it came to you, it'd hurt too much for me to think about it. &i didn't, for a as long as I could put it off.

With a clock ticking away the seconds we could be together, the last weeks were to be spent indulging in long phone calls and frequent outings.it was as if we were savouring every bit of time we had left before the inevitable goodbye.

Every word that came from his mouth felt like doses of nostalgia injected and forcefully pumped into my veins that pierced my very heart. Like a drug that could only make my condition worse, he had become the addiction i kept falling back into.

It was then that i realised how much I needed him, how big of a role he played in my short nineteen years of life, intensified during these short two weeks. and that terrified me.

The very thought, no, the very knowledge that I, that person who’s built an emotional armour since the last shattering experience, had been so flawlessly dismantled, that by the time i had realised the potential threat, I had neither the control and power, nor the will in me to reactivate the mental defense that would drive him away from the solace within my thoughts, my only sanctuary.

`because does it surprise you when i'm at a loss with you?

Because i've been so unsure of so many things, that to think i've been wrong all along, makes me question, what if i'm wrong again this time? &you don't make it easier. you give into me, and you let me breakdown in your arms, you tell me how i'll be fine. but you see, i don't know how to. I want to be sure.

I love you.

So This is love..

One love
That has possessed me..

&till now, that's still the best description to how i feel

` &i keep coming back to find that it's still not overrated.

i'd come for you-nickelback

'It was an eventuality; it had to happen. Now, it's a finality.. Yet surprisingly, nothing really changed at all and I'm glad it stayed that way'

xxx
emkay.

Make Ends Meet.

I got my results this Monday and believe me it was not a very pleasant experience breaking down the news for my parents.

I wouldn't blame them of course, since I'm aspiring to get into medicine, I should be performing at my best and scoring well for all my core subjects the least.

Chemistry Bearable,
Mathematics Crap (WTF I COULD DEF DO BETTER, i mean COME ON ITS MATHS. URGHH mentally killing myself), Physics Chagrin of what could have been

Honestly, I'm disappointed for my cannot make it grades simply based on the amount of effort I put in which was not much at all! So yeah, thats the grade I deserve. i might have disappeared from the web for a month, but its only A month, while people spend their entire 'one year, six months' working their asses off for this. i crammed up the little 3 months, patching up the party times (& i dont really party that often, do i?)

:(

oh well, how'd i wish i'm those hot clubbers who Aces exams. i'd be awesome then.

And I've really gotta stop making up excuses for stufff and just admit that I'm wrong and I will learn from my mistake. This is a good wake up call (as if i havent got enough of them?) and yes it's good motivation in the near future for future exams which seems like they're already looming threatheningly around the corner *puffs*.

I really don't want to disappoint my parents & most of all I don't want to take advantage of how much faith they have in me to achieve my dreams which I'm very apprehensive about..

yes so, semester 3 resolutions are :

*Nerd regularly in the library with my nerd buddy, Mel.
*Time manage efficiently so that I won't cram too much before the exams.
*Keep in touch with all my friends no matter where they are.

Just us being us, The BTCs=)

love you girls=)

xoxo,
emkay

you have no problem hanging up first anymore. 

Absentmindedly you making me want you
U're Mmessi-ing me all the way through
U're pulling me head first, fearless...
i dont know how.

i.am.a.doormat

Feels Like Rain

I’ve been feeling particularly different today, or rather, this weekend. My ebullience detached itself and wandered off into the wilderness…. or wherever happiness goes. I get weary easily no matter how much sleep I get. My face is overpopulated with.. blemishes. feck! My hair is rebellious and it’s dropping every nanosecond. the more I think about work the more indolent I get and I know I’ll regret later for putting things on the back burner and killing time doing nothing. The weather gets slightly rougher by the day and you get all cranky because of the bloody heat. So you too decided to drag the sorry ass off into the land of unsorry asses and release happy endorphines while working out. And you bring home tiredness, blankblankblank brains… and your sorry ass of course. Your day continues being miserable by asking yourself stupid questions like why is it this and why is it that and why isn't uni starting yet. And results results..not knowing is eating me aliveee. Tick tock tick tock the next thing you know it’s already hours from where you've just started and you dislike this miserable routines because that’s a slap in the face for WAKE UP TOMORROW’S JUST THE SAME. You did not choose to be like this because you would definitely love to hear yourself laugh again but there isn’t much to laugh at unless you think that the prospect of not being accepted into uni at all is funny…

I blame it on the hormonal imbalances or seasonal affective disorder (did you notice that the abbreviation for this disorder is SAD?). Sigh. Whatever it is, it’ll all get better in time.

Off to eat my sorrows away because lately I’ve been craving for rochers like a pregnant woman. Bulls, when people tell you chocholates makes you happy.

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice.

That’s so true, Gary Lightbody.

dont fall in the mud!

i think i am constantly having this inner tug of war with myself.

some parts of me want to forget everything and move forward with life like you said. just be happy and melt away within your embrace. look up into your eyes and smile. feel safe and warm and loved again. just be with you and breathe you in. inhale your smell. feel your touch. i want to lose myself in you. get tangled up in you. snuggle up beside you and ask for morning kissies. give you a warning glance when you want to eat some junk. share a kitkat with you. have a giggle with you. hold hands all the way home in the car. reassure you that i dont mind again again. smile to myself when i reply your text. wear your shirt to sleep. break the rules. i want to know you.

however,

other parts of me are filled with question marks. who was that person who had that conversation with me? i know it was supposed to be like any other conversation, the sky and the sea? but it wasnt. it really wasnt to me. it was as if you were a different person, not the sweet baby i knew and not the sweet baby you are being now. was that just a mistake or was it your true colours showing? how am i supposed to let go when these parts are working i over drive? is it all just make believe? 

how do i let go and let all the other parts of me win? how do i ensure the correct parts dont fall in the mud in this tug of war?

try not to blink.

1 week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10080 minutes. 604800 seconds. 

before all that time passed i was at my last day of orientation. freezing my ass off running around the city in this winter race. i loved my group (mostly) it was so diverse. people from china, holland, switzerland, germany, indonesia and of course malaysia! my only worry was massive badluck. we were leading until we made a mistake and then got stuck waiting 15min for a tram and then being stuck again after that due to a tram accident else where. the race didnt end so well but hey, i made new friends. the sun was smiling upon me still. so being all pooped out i got home did my usual stuff, went online but then i slept soon after. a rather early night for me. everything was perfect, in place, class was starting soon, parents were leaving soon and everything was all set.

the series of unfortunate events followed.

now all that time has passed and im torn. i want to go back. just rewind and pause. go back to one week ago. dont let the 7 days pass. hold on to those 168 hours as hard as i can. cherish every moment before the 10080 minutes. wish away 604800 seconds. 

but that is not possible. i am here now. all the time has passed and i am here now. maybe if i didnt blink i would still be there.

try not to blink.

The Bigest Choice of My Life...

There is something in my brain which is forcing me to choose 2 bigest paths of my life. Despite myself not being a study material, I'm now only left with two choices.

1. Try my best in studying for my final RESIT for 3 papers and if I pass I'll continue studying and if I fail, I will stop studying and keep on working..

Being an employee has made me realise alot of stuff about the social network and the market. I've suddenly realised that in order for a person to survive in the business world, one has to have enough experience. Its not just always about the CERTIFICATE from which BOMbastic University.

I seriously cant make up my mind.

I clearly know myself for not being a study person but I know my mum would like to see me graduate like my brother but what can I do?

I've asked myself this question whenever I'm out of work during my off periods.

My salary now is actually not what a fresh graduate will be able to get and it has actually exceeds the salary of what a normal manager could get.

I cant find the reason for studying for another 3 years and come out getting 2k + and i have to work like shit for several years to only get a simple promotion which has an additional 1 or 2k in salary.

But I think again, is it always about the salary or its about the social thought of a UNIVERSITY GRADUATE who actually has a CERT?

Will big companies neglct those who has no degree CERTIFICATE and only accept those who have one?

If its so, why university graduates have difficulties in looking for a job in the working world nowadays.

The truth is, alot of bosses have only studied till high school and they can already be better than those who graduated from a university.

I dont know about the SCIENCE world but in the business world, its always about experience.

My boss had only studied till diploma and his salary is already reaching to what a CEO of a company is getting.

My brain is playing games with me now and had left me with no choice.

Worst come to worst is if I fail this time, I'll just go out and study a Finance or a Marketing Diploma and that is all.

Tell me what should I do guys!! I'm really confused..I dont know if my decision will dissapoint my MoTHER!!!I cant let myself see her sad because of me!!

My DAD. HE says that if i cannot study I should just come out and work LOL!

~keiron signing off~

to my special you know who <3

if a guy is going to break your heart , he has to at least have the balls to watch your heart break. why should he be able to be blissfully ignorant while you are going through all the pain, suffering and tears because of your heart that is breaking due to his assholiness. he is not allowed to be a coward. he is to feel bad for his stupid actions. even though i dont like to let the guy see me being desperate, crying or whatever, i think you deserve the last say. even if you want to pretend to not care and be tough so he feels like a loser, then you should walk off with some smart comment AFTER having that final conversation. he cant pretend the topic is closed and expect to be able to be normal with you if he has yet to man up and face the situation. DARE HE ASK YOU WHY YOU DID NOT TURN UP?! he does not deserve your presence or your friendship. what kind of guy would leave you hanging like that? even if he cant do what you want and you already know it, he should have the decency to let you know and not leave you with question marks. stupid boys. so selfish. be strong baby i love you! x

definitely maybe not

You're making me wonder and i hate it.
You're making me doubt and i hate it.

PS You are such an asshole.

I fucking dont want to see you anymore. fuck you.

i just realised why you must never take things forgranted or try to predict the future. you wil always look like a dumbass. 

march 10th 

maybe just maybe

everything i went through

i had to go through to get to you

maybe just maybe

all the headaches and heartaches

was just part of the journey to you

because without it

i wouldnt have been distracted enough

to ask you to walk me

i wouldnt have needed a knight in shining armor

to rescue me

i wouldnt have known what i was missing

to not have you with me

so maybe just maybe

we should be happy at how the cards were dealt

we should thank those we resent

we should take it all in and smile

because we have each other

and maybe just maybe

we always  will

july 25th

you were my maybe

my definitely maybe.

but you got me thinking

maybe just maybe

you are my maybe not. 

maybe i was a fool

maybe i was blind to the truth

maybe it was all pretend

or maybe i was just young

yet again

i hate that you play tennis. i hate your friend for asking you to play. i hate that i still have to wait for you. i hate that you went. i hate that you were grumpy. i hate that we didnt go. i hate that you went without me. i hate that i have yet to go. i hate your friend for taking you. i hate what you did. i hate what you said. i hate that you asked. i hate timelines. i hate the past. i hate the present. i hate the future. i hate how i feel. i hate my thoughts. i hate how my friends think differently of you. i hate work. i hate that im alone. i hate that i cant forget. i hate how it is now. i hate the distance. i hate that you cant turn back time. i hate that you cant fast forward your life. i hate that im slacking. i hate crying. i hate papercuts. i hate the cold. i hate that i cant sleep. 

hate is a strong word. so lets say dislike instead. 

im sorry for stealing colours. i dont feel like saying its me. but i think you know who it is. 

I tear my heart open just to feel.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

In this world there is real and make believe.